I know the holidays are rough on the inside. I hope you have found a place in your head and heart that warms you when the season is significantly cold. I have been out nearly two years and there are times that I look back and still remember the loneliness found in that place. Without the Lord, I wouldn’t have been able to keep my head above the waters of depression.
Clinging to Christ has brought me a long way. Not just in, but out. Today, He sustains me as I minister to those who struggle with the same things that bound us. The blessings and restoration that the Lord has given to me as a result of surrendering my will for His, is monumental. I am loved, clothed, nurtured, befriended, lead, looked after, claimed, and even carried when need be. I could gain nothing more and die satisfied. This is not to say that there aren’t still things that I desire; there is just nothing I need in order to truly live.
Every time I sit down and organize my thoughts in order to share them with others, I am forced into deeper and longer thinking. In doing so, I realize that I have much to learn when it comes to balancing all of the demands that are placed on my time. Although I express great confidence in this letter, my attitude when I am tired doesn’t reflect the level of maturity I wrote about. In fact, I am ashamed of how impatient I can be when things are added or rearranged last minute to my already full schedule. Even though one would naturally think that I would display great patience having spent years in long lines, it is just not true. It is a daily challenge for me to joyfully wait in a stressful or exhausting circumstance. What bothers me the most is that at the very root of my impatience is a distrust that the Lord ordains even my uncomfortable steps.
Scripture states in Isaiah 14:24 that “The Lord of hosts has sworn: “As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand.” The Lord is intentional and just as noble men plan noble things, I must walk in a manner of life that is worthy of the gospel of Christ. My ultimate goal is to share the hope found inside of me so that others may not suffer as long or painfully as me. If my attitude does not reflect the cleansing power of the Lord even when I am worn out, I risk tarnishing His good and holy name.
Today, I pray that the Lord forgive me and teach me how to overcome my problem with the details of my life. For it is only by Him and through Him that I can conquer anything.