Uphill Trek

Yesterday consisted of an uphill trek. One building after another, I trudged the one way streets of downtown Montgomery in pursuit of obtaining all the business licenses and tax id’s that I’ll need in order to publish and sell my novel legally. One thing that surprised me while on my journey is that I never had to wait in line. I must have went to at least six different places and twice as many departments in order to achieve my goal, but not once was I stuck behind other people and their objectives for the day.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have no patience for technical issues especially for one’s that I don’t know much about and hardly understand. While I realize that this is normal for anyone undertaking a new project, it didn’t make it any easier for me to deal with at the time. I was still anxious and impatient in not knowing what to expect next.

While I was filling out one of my last few applications at the probate office, a young couple came and stood beside me at the counter. I looked up to see the sign above them read ‘Marriage License’. I stopped and smiled to myself knowing that they were making an even more serious commitment than I was and they were doing it with smiles.

I seized the opportunity to find relief and began a healthy conversation with them, but what it demonstrates is that I still focus way too much on what is happening to me instead of happening for me. God made my experience of becoming a business owner fairly easy. It could have been much worse, with way more hassle, but He allowed me to progress with little common deterrents.

God is fully aware and it wasn’t until after talking to someone else that I realized my issue is more with the value that I place on these technicalities. If I weigh them correctly, I should understand that they are just as necessary and deserve the same effort as any other part of my ministry. While I don’t expect this irritant to naturally disappear, I do expect my behavior in the next event that presents challenge to be a little more patient and a lot more productive.

Lord, balance my scales please. I love you.

Jesus said to them, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.” And they were amazed at Him. 

Mark 12:17 

Vision Is

I squeeze in to join seven others brainstorm on how to develop the master design for a hypothetical church plant. As all of us begin to offer helpful suggestions, my pastor blurts out that “Every Present Dead Frog Must Wiggle.” Needless to say, we all laughed and were dying to know what he meant by such an odd phrase. After explaining the helpful acrostic that he made up in order to help us remember the core values in our theoretical model, we appreciated his clever mind.

Although fun, trying to establish the official vision statement for our make believe ministry wasn’t easy. The instructors stood nearby continuing to stress the importance of a unified mind. They taught that a clear vision is essential in the construction and success of any God given dream. After hearing this point reiterated, it reminds me of all the many different ways life naturally distracts me from accomplishing my goals.

It is easy to leave a three day event where you have been solely focused on learning how to mold an idea into reality and feel aggressively inspired to make it all happen the next day. I face this challenge every time I go and am surrounded by strong men and women who have dedicated their lives to Christ. But what has a tendency to happen is the same problem that any church plant faces, life and people!

We are taught to own our vision and be owned by it and to share our vision until it is a shared vision. These points are excellent but when there are others who disagree with my specific direction, I always go back to Christ in prayer and check the redemptive purposes in what I am doing. My pastor’s catching phrase reminds me to evangelize, pray, disciple and be discipled, fellowship, minister, and worship. If I am incorporating all of these in all I do, I am on a healthy track towards meeting my mission's main objective. May the Lord help me guard my vision with my life and from it, help others find rest in Jesus Christ our Lord.  

He told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field.  Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches.”

Mathew 13: 31-32

Scars

Growing up in my family, scars were cool. So when I got large ones plastered across my body, I wasn’t very self-conscious about them. Although many happened years ago, to this day, I still get tickled when I hear people worry over a wound that might leave a permanent mark. I have enough for a whole family and they really don’t bother me much at all. What I have realized though is that you can’t get as close to death as many times as I have and expect only a flesh wound. While I have many visible scars, what remains over the damage of my heart is still the most sensitive spot of them all. Unfortunately, these are hidden and I hardly know they are there until someone or thing rubs them the wrong way. Knowing that my main sensitivity stems from metaphoric damage to my insides, I must be aware that when giving my heart away to others that they may and probably will see the old internal trauma.

This week, my tenderness was exposed. I didn’t get mad when the person leaned in the wrong way, I simply drew back and away. The confusing result for the person who accidentally touched a nerve was hardly fair considering they in no way could have foreseen the delicacy of the overall topic. While this person was absolutely precious in begging for forgiveness, it is me who owes out the apology. What was said is far from something that should have bothered me to the point of withdrawing. Even though I didn’t leave this person in confusion more than an evening, the evening was enough to bring fear that they had permanently lost our friendship.

Learning how to love others is best taught through Christ’s demonstration on the cross. In the same way He gave His life, I need to give my heart. Whether or not it is in the perfect shape or condition, I should never cease to extend myself to others. My reservations are not out of perfect love, but out of fear over further damage. From this experience, may I learn to trust the Lord and give freely from where I’ve reserved. May I respond without self-preservation and always sacrifice what is necessary.

For God has not given us the spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.

1st Timothy 1:7    

Sick Before Better

Today is full of uncertainty. It is the first official day of my mother’s chemotherapy treatment and while she waits patiently for the medication that is sure to make her sick before better, I can tell she is nervous about how her body will respond. Though we have known about this date for some time, it seems all of our mental preparation is still not enough to completely calm our spirits.

This morning we got up before dawn and drove the required hour and half that it takes in order to make it to her appointment on time. Though her treatment is starting later than we anticipated, she is finally set and ready to receive what we have long been waiting for. As I sit beside her and watch the nurse hook up the medication that will circulate through out her, I can't help but be still in my soul. She is not the only patient in the room. Chair after chair, sick people around us share in the same uncomfortable experience. Whether young or old, white or black, male or female, illness has not discriminated. As I study the faces of those surrounding us, I am grateful my mother doesn't have to bare this burden alone. While some have family and friends with them, others don't and it breaks my heart. 

I’ve always loved the scripture in Romans that commands us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” It brings me a sense of peace knowing that if I am surrounded by an active healthy body of believers, no matter my circumstances, I won’t be alone. We are called to bear one another’s burdens in Galatians and by doing so, fulfill the law of Christ. If there is no other service we offer to our fellow man, let none of us neglect to love on our neighbors. I can testify that even a small gesture of kindness can go a long way in the mind of someone who is suffering. May we all be diligent to seek out opportunities to love on people.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13

Far Back Corner

I sat in the very far back corner with only a few rows left open behind me. I watched as one by one, brave women got up and shared their personal experiences with God. After the eighth woman stated her claim that Jesus is Lord, the lights were dimmed and we all committed a moment of silence to allow their testimonies to sink in. In awe, I lifted my eyes to the ceiling in order to help this process along. Above me was an elaborate ring of vibrant angels that circled an ornately stained, dome shaped piece of glasswork. It was absolutely beautiful and since I was not in my home church, I stopped and gave the artwork the attention it deserved. The more I studied it, I noticed that trumpets rested on the lips of the angels. Without hesitating, I immediately decided that this image suited my experience beneath it well.

I spend so much time planning that I don’t step back and just observe as often as I once did. I realize now that I’m making a mistake. Listening to the detailed stories of how others find forgiveness and hope through Jesus Christ affirms the power found in the Holy Spirit which is the same spirit found inside of me. If it’s just for the simple fact of reminding me of our common bond, I should stop what I’m doing to listen to the good news. We can never hear the gospel and its ability to save and redeem us to often. Saving grace is the key to overcoming any challenge and in my case, successfully accomplishing any goal.

From now on, I will work harder to seek the gospel of peace and enjoy the healing power that lies within its words. Whether it is heard, read, or played out before me, I will pause and give thanks for the precious opportunity to feel Him working in my midst. From this day forward, may I refuse to neglect another chance to honor our King and share in His glory.

The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Psalm 23: 1-3

If I Compare

It is almost Valentine’s Day. Many people will be spending this entire week planning to show their loved ones exactly how special they are while others will be doing everything possible to prove this day is insignificant. No matter what side of the fence we are on or how close we are to it, it will be hard to avoid the nasty habit of comparing ourselves to others. One thing you can always count on though is that the world is going to point out what we don’t have enough of according to it.

In my sobriety, I've had the pleasure of meeting many people who are committed to helping restore others to their full potential. Recently, I met someone incredibly unique who has dedicated his entire life to mentoring the spiritually broken. I asked this individual how he deals with relationships being that they transition so often and his response was impressive. Paraphrasing this man, he declared that the Lord was his first love. That what his own brokenness has taught him is to enter every relationship as a gift, and not only that, but a gift that he offers back to the Lord. Now, the world is notorious for making us believe that we are entitled to things that we really aren’t. What this man has managed to do is gain a true perspective of Christian priority. He is seeking the kingdom first and in doing so inspiring others to do the same.  

This week, I'm challenged to overcome the temptation to reach for the limited expectations of this world. If I compare myself to anyone, it will be to none other than Jesus Christ. By doing so, I can clearly see my sin and aim for a flawless standard of righteousness instead of the pointless superficiality of our world. May I learn to mimic all the qualities of His great and loving character and by doing so, offer a gift of my own. 

Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Ephesians 5:1-2

A Christian's Tapestry

This week, I had the task of gathering information and pictures from my past so that I may present it in a PowerPoint presentation to a very special group of people. I'm always thrilled with the opportunities that the Lord provides for me to share my testimony, but this task has not been easy considering that I lost everything from my past due to the fire and my multiple incarcerations. Thankfully, after digging, I have finally collected enough to tell my story thoroughly. I'm now working on a written perspective for this same event. Even though I’ve shared my story with many people, formally writing out the details of my trials has been a very humbling experience.

I open my life to others so that they may see the difference between a rebellious spirit verses a willing heart. Looking back, I'm still amazed at how the Lord brought about this majestic and complex process. There is no detail of my life that He did not ordain for my benefit and growth. Some call the intricately woven combination of events that matures you part of a Christian’s Tapestry and perhaps it is. What I am positive of though is that without it, I would still be lost.

Though my history is extreme, so now is my future with Christ. He took my life and transformed it in a way that only He knows how to do. A moment does not pass that I don’t absolutely know that without Him, I will fall. I don’t claim to have all the answers or know how to gracefully handle every problem that arises in my life. But in confidence, I can say that He will be there to help me through it.

His persistence to be is where my hope lies and in every testimony that I give, I pray that His message of an eternal, unconditional, lifesaving love is evident in all that I say and do. If nothing else, may it be the one thing that resonates so loudly that it cannot be denied as truth. I love you Lord!

But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere.

2 Corinthians 2:14

From the Round Table

At the end of last week, I had the privilege of attending a very special conference designed to teach the most effective ways to reach the indigenous Indian tribe known as the Mexican Mixtecs. Although I’ve never personally worked with the Mixteco people and it is not my primary mission goal, the knowledge I gained from the round table discussion at the Mixtec Summit is without measure.

To give you an idea of the level of commitment of those hosting this event, missionaries were brought in from around the world to reveal and discuss all they know about these people. When our first speaker stood and declared, “We believe since lostness impacts everything we do, everything we do should impact lostness,” I knew I was in for a three day educational treat.

While loving the sojourner in our midst was a heavily discussed topic, the greatest impression came when I saw the amount of passion, patience, and intentionality that was reserved for trying to reach these people effectively. I wasn’t around groups and organizations trying to Americanize this culture, but quite the opposite. Research, statistics, life experience, and even a handful of Mixtecs were present, all sharing their knowledge in order to figure out the best possible way to communicate the gospel where language is the largest barrier.

After seeing the amount of effort given and the odds that are stacked against them, I am convinced that one cannot truly evangelize cross culturally without a sincere and deep love for both Christ and people. In fact, I even heard one missionary affirm that you must love for an open door. With that said and watching this group carefully plan and develop their strategy, I am challenged to incorporate this methodical process into everything I wish to influence. Paraphrasing my last session, in order to maximize our outreach, we must be committed to the entire design. Our approach must be simple, effective, and reproducible. Otherwise, when it is our time to leave, the harvest will die as we remove the lights from their lives.

“Desire without knowledge is not good,
and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way.”
 Proverbs 19:2

A Pause for Emphasis

This week has been intense and if I was standing with you in person, this is where I would add a pause for emphasis sake. At 12:00 AM, my week of fasting is concluded. I will no longer withhold solid food from my body and as I’ve noticed with every kind of fast that I’ve ever done, I am a bit sad. My connection to the Lord will not magically disappear in response to the clock striking midnight, but I will return to a state of nourishing myself with substance for strength. One thing that I recognize within myself is that in times of challenges, I tend to seek Him more.

With that being said, my father sent me an email this week that mentioned a very valuable point. It said “…you can’t guide a parked car.” In noticing that I cry out to God more in times of uncertainty, I must also notice that when I am unsure, I have a tendency to slow down. While it is not a bad thing to stop, think, pray, and regroup, I can’t expect the direction that I ask for if my feet aren’t moving to be guided.

When I was incarcerated, there were times that I was so tired that I just wanted to quit. But there is no such thing in prison, just like there is no such thing in the mission field. Whether I am tired or unsure how the Lord is going to provide and work everything out, I must never cease to be present for the challenge.

There are many verses in Scripture that had a significant impact on my life during this rough time, but one that always kept me going. Though the Lord was responding to Jeremiah’s complaints, it was as if the Lord wrote it just for me: “If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with the horses? If you stumble in safe country, how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordon?” Jeremiah 12:5

With this in mind, I am renewed with the conclusion of my fast. I am reminded that while the unknown is scary, I am not left alone to conquer it. Praise be to our God Almighty for His sustaining power and presence. May I always remember to pray with the intensity of this moment.

Thank you Lord!

In Them Both

This week, I was a maid of honor in a very dear friend’s wedding. Loving both the bride and the groom equally, I was in tears as our pastor proclaimed the true significance of their holy union and how their covenant with one another should reflect our Lord’s relationship with the church. Without hesitating, my friends agreed to this very serious commitment of love and excellence. At the end of the ceremony, they sealed their promises towards one another with a kiss that just barely foreshadows what true joys and delights can come from this sacred bond of matrimony. Through their word, action, and faith in the Lord, they are no longer my two precious friends, but one very strong reminder of God’s great love.

I walk away from this experience and am in awe at how even in something such as the marriage of two humans, God signs His design and makes His point. There is no promise that we can make apart from Him. We are dependent creatures and we are created to reflect His loving ways.

Even in something as far less joyous on Earth, such as the death of someone we love, God is still present and it is not without purpose. Another friend of mine just recently lost her husband to cancer. While they were only married a few short years, she would never take back the time she spent with her husband based on the pain she feels now. Even in the worst struggles imaginable, God displays His love towards her and surrounds her with people who can help meet her needs.

It is not easy to compare two such occasions, but Ecclesiastes reveals that “God has made the one as well as the other,” and “better is the end of a thing than its beginning.” Knowing that “His ways are above our ways…Isaiah 55:8-9” and that “there is a season for everything under the sun…Ecclesiastes 3:1,” I conclude that God created both with the intention of bringing us closer to Him. Whether it is the birth of something new, or the end of something great, God is sovereign. He loved us so much that He experienced both life and death for our sake, so that we may one day sit fully redeemed in His presence. If I draw nothing more than this from these two very different events, I must admit that I’m wiser for having endured them. Because in them both, Christ is revealed.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.”

John 3:16

Resolution

Now that Christmas has passed and the year is coming to an end, I sit down and purposely reflect on what was, is, and what I hope will be. As I make mental notes of what more I can personally do to see my desires come to pass, I realize that much of what I’m hoping for requires great faith and perseverance in the Lord.

Coming to the conclusion that my works earn only a portion of my success stirs an indwelling battle over my need to control the outcomes in my life. It seems it would be so much easier if my success as a Christian writer and speaker relied solely on guts, willpower, and determination. If it did, I would gladly receive the efforts of my labor and claim my title as a professional. However, much in this business depends on others and even more importantly, the will of my heavenly Father. So I ask myself when forming my New Year’s resolution, what can I do to worry less about the things that are out of my control? After all, scripture poses a very valid point. “And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” Luke 12:25  

My goal for 2015 is to live out the faith by which I am called to work. The book of James states, But someone will say, “You have faith and I have works.” Show me your faith apart from your works and I will show you my faith by my works. In essence, I can’t depend on my works or faith alone to assure me of anything. As James goes on, he points out that Abraham’s faith was active along with his works, and that his faith was completed by his works.

So in the midst of considering all that I do and all that I believe, my prayer is that the Lord help me carry out whatever He calls me to do whether I am confident or not. I ask that He continue to build in me a foundation that is not easily shaken and develop in me words that help carry the hope of His promise.  

Dear Cody

Dear Cody,

I know the holidays are rough on the inside. I hope you have found a place in your head and heart that warms you when the season is significantly cold. I have been out nearly two years and there are times that I look back and still remember the loneliness found in that place. Without the Lord, I wouldn’t have been able to keep my head above the waters of depression.

Clinging to Christ has brought me a long way. Not just in, but out. Today, He sustains me as I minister to those who struggle with the same things that bound us. The blessings and restoration that the Lord has given to me as a result of surrendering my will for His, is monumental. I am loved, clothed, nurtured, befriended, lead, looked after, claimed, and even carried when need be. I could gain nothing more and die satisfied. This is not to say that there aren’t still things that I desire; there is just nothing I need in order to truly live.

… Jenny

Every time I sit down and organize my thoughts in order to share them with others, I am forced into deeper and longer thinking. In doing so, I realize that I have much to learn when it comes to balancing all of the demands that are placed on my time. Although I express great confidence in this letter, my attitude when I am tired doesn’t reflect the level of maturity I wrote about. In fact, I am ashamed of how impatient I can be when things are added or rearranged last minute to my already full schedule. Even though one would naturally think that I would display great patience having spent years in long lines, it is just not true. It is a daily challenge for me to joyfully wait in a stressful or exhausting circumstance. What bothers me the most is that at the very root of my impatience is a distrust that the Lord ordains even my uncomfortable steps.

Scripture states in Isaiah 14:24 that “The Lord of hosts has sworn: “As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand.” The Lord is intentional and just as noble men plan noble things, I must walk in a manner of life that is worthy of the gospel of Christ. My ultimate goal is to share the hope found inside of me so that others may not suffer as long or painfully as me. If my attitude does not reflect the cleansing power of the Lord even when I am worn out, I risk tarnishing His good and holy name.

Today, I pray that the Lord forgive me and teach me how to overcome my problem with the details of my life. For it is only by Him and through Him that I can conquer anything.

Is It Really Yours?

Part of my job is to connect with people. The easiest way I have found to do so on a grand scale is through social media. While each network carries different possibilities than the one before it, they all offer advice of some sort. Whether it be on relationships, health, retail purchases, religion, food, jobs, or romance, opinions are free and out there on every subject we can think of. 

In Proverbs chapter 11, seeking council is wise in order that we as a people do not fall. But, how often do we ask advice from a source that isn’t necessarily educated enough to give a sound answer? I like to think that people are generally intelligent and positive in nature being that we are made in the likeness of God, but when reviewing my own media feed, I have to second guess how I came to this conclusion.

Today a friend posted his relationship struggles and while he didn’t ask for a response, many gave one including myself. While scrolling through the list of comments, my friend also posted the classic saying “When you love something, let it go and if it comes back to you, it’s yours.” Reading this caused me to stop and think. I have always agreed that there is some legitimate truth to this statement, but now that I try and align my thinking with scripture, I am not sure that this is the hope we should cling to.

Psalms 24:1 declares that “The Earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it.” Accepting the fact that we don’t own anything or anyone is hard. We all feel entitled to a certain degree especially if it is our children or spouses. So, what do we do with the fact that we can’t truly own anything?

Our only form of hope is that we be made into a steward of one or many according to God’s will. It is He who gives and takes away and the only one who can truly restore anything back to us (Job 1:21). With this absolute knowledge, it seems to me that if we honestly want something more than we have, we should petition the One that has the authority to give it to us. We are far more likely to see a return on our efforts through prayer than hoping a significant other finds their way back to us in an already confused and lost world.

Lord,

Steer us all in the right direction and help us to understand your sovereign decisions.

Amen

Thanksgiving Wraps

Ramon noodles, crushed chips, squeeze cheese, summer sausage, flour tortillas, and a six pack of crackers to make it go further, will be the typical Alabama prisoners get together Thanksgiving meal. These wraps are prepared by themselves for themselves in celebration of the day. While a side of processed Turkey can be expected on their lunch trays, it isn’t the same as gathering around the microwaves and preparing a meal together. In fact, it is not unusual on the holidays to see a waiting list posted by the microwaves for use during this special occasion.

Recalling the hours that we had to wait for our turn to arrive, I am taken back not to the long lines, but afterwards to the moment that we finally sat down together to share with one another the things we had to be grateful for. With a specific Thanksgiving in mind, I sat next to three women who one by one took turns expressing their appreciation for the simplest things found in life. At that moment, it was not where I was or who I was with that left a lasting impression; it was the condition of our hearts. Our attitudes, while not always, were humbled to the point of true gratitude for the blessing of life itself.

When my turn approached, I could hardly contain myself. Through teary eyes, I too thanked God for the gift of forgiveness and the opportunity to start over again. As I looked around, I realized everything I had taken for granted. Even though I was deservingly in the midst of chains, the Lord did not forsake me. He took this day to reach out and teach me, one of His most unruly children, a lifelong lesson of unconditional love and redemption.

May the Lord allow me to never forget His majesty on this day or any other.

Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body.

Hebrews 13:3

The Weight of Words

Whenever I prepare for a speaking engagement, I am brought back to the weight of words. While a single word can stand alone and infer a particular meaning, a delicate combination of a few can promote an altogether different response. Making powerful statements that impress and edify the mind should always be our goal in speech, but unfortunately it isn’t achievable for humans on an everyday basis. This weakness irritates me and the fact that “Out of the mouth, the heart speaks,” Luke 6:45, Mathew 12:34, convicts me even further.

Much of my time is spent collecting information, but it is easy to see that while I have good motives, I read plenty that is not uplifting, wholesome, or praiseworthy. In fact, I even catch myself justifying certain researches as educational when in truth, they are only in part, if at all.

I believe the Lord blesses certain individuals with the gift of words and abilities to both share and captivate audiences. While I am certain the Lord desires for His people to experience pleasure, I am also sure that He doesn’t approve of some of our methods. It is so much easier to participate in unfiltered freedom of speech than to plan every word that comes from our lips.

Proverbs has always been my all-time favorite reference book of words and truths. Its wisdom is simply inexhaustible, but what James says about our mouths should pierce us all. In James chapter 3, He states that “The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life.”  He goes on further to explain that “… no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing.”

As discouraging but eye opening as this passage is, it is written for the sake of keeping ourselves humbly aware of our need to guard our lips. Once we truly value the weight of our words, it is then, we should pray before ever voicing our opinions out loud.

 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-3

Dinner with an Old Friend

I had dinner with an old friend the other night. As fun as it was to reunite and share the many blessings found in both of our changed lives, I couldn’t help but have my heart broken as our conversation turned to her past. The fact that I missed her brother’s funeral due my incarceration was only the beginning of many painful things that occurred while I was away.

Besides the tragic deaths of some of our close friends, she explained the circumstances surrounding her son’s birth. As if her brother’s suicide occurring just weeks before delivery wasn’t enough to crush her, what she found when she came home from the hospital devastated her even more. She opened the door to an empty house. Everything she had prepared to raise her son with was gone, including the crib and her baby’s father.

In reviewing our conversation in my mind, I am happy to see her doing well. Listening to her share about how she is learning to put her trust and life in the care of Christ joys me to no end, but I can’t help wishing that I could have been there to help her through these hard times, or better yet save her from experiencing these struggles all together.

If it were possible to rescue our loved ones through works then I know my family would have captured the flag on the top of the mountain as soon as they saw me doing a back hill slide. It just doesn’t work like that and trying to make sense of struggles can be equally frustrating. A changed heart depends on the only One who can change hearts, which means we can’t stop praying! Our prayers for those struggling are crucial and is the most important form of action we can take for ourselves and others.

Now, I’m not saying that since we can’t physically save or change people that it is pointless to say or do anything more than pray. In scripture, it is clear that God uses men to reach men. You never know what the Lord will use to help change the hearts of those He intends. For me, it wasn’t just what happened that caused me to truly repent. I received a letter the first week that I was in prison that explained what I didn’t know and expressed what I had not yet imagined. The effect of reading this letter drove me into a deeper form of repentance. The condition, the timing, and the words were just right in order to penetrate exactly how the Lord intended it to.

So shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

Isaiah 55:11

On the Flip Side

No one wants to be alone. Even if someone is not hunting a significant other, the importance of family on the holidays can’t be refuted. People need community; God knows it and so should we. However, Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything under heaven. Which means, there is a season to be alone.   

One thing forced confinement offers freely is the burden of loneliness. Although there are 300 people in the same metal furnace, you are not kin no matter what glue bonds you. It’s just not the same when significant days come to pass. It isn’t uncommon for silence and withdrawal to accompany the day of your child’s birth, Thanksgiving, Christmas, or an anniversary if you are fortunate enough to keep your marriage vows alive. Sometimes, it requires no special designation other than that of a Tuesday in fall.

This is when I began to look for the flipside. If Ecclesiastes chapter 3 is accurate, then 'alone' has beauty too.

Today, I remembered this lesson well. As I drove from one appointment to the next, I prayed aloud with no other troubles but my own. As tears swelled in the folds of my eyes, I recalled my freedom to join God’s presence whenever and wherever I want. In my unscheduled meeting with Him, my time alone proved to be an incalculable gain. My Lord offered me blessed assurance only moments after admitting my weaknesses.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?... For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8: 35, 38-39

It May Sound Silly

As soon as one gets up, another takes her place. Tug after tug, I pluck away at the eyebrows of the women who sit down in front of me, that before now, I never knew existed until it was their turn.

The first time I stood for over eight hours, I asked the Lord.

“Why would you have me do this?”

I couldn’t understand how something so trivial could make any difference. My back ached from standing hunched over for so long and I missed my own studies to do this. My groans increased against the Lord the more tired I became. I just knew that in two weeks, my line would return, and I would become their best, good friend again. I continued to argue with the Lord, and the way I found to serve others in a limited prison environment.

“It just hardly makes sense God. Does this really make any difference?”

I read about the Lord washing his disciples feet in my private studies and knew that my grooming another wasn’t so farfetched of an idea in being Christ like, but I still couldn’t wrap my mind around the point of it in the long run. I could only see that I was fast gaining a reputation for free labor and that my client list was over a quarter of the camps total population.

After a month, I was officially tired and ready to retire. The good that seemed to come from this looked like such vanity the more I thought about it and my hopes to shine a light dwindled as my poor attitude increased. Right, as I was about to make my official announcement, I felt the Lord tug on my heart to speak.

Talk to them Jenny and listen for the opportunity I gave you.

This was the day I really began to hear the Lord’s will for my life. The “So, tell me about yourself?” question, that is totally not permitted in such a setting, became the very opening line as soon as they sat down. With my face only inches from theirs, it was hard for them to tell a lie. The Lord opened my eyes and heart. He blessed me with an insight into worlds of struggles and hardships, that had I not been willing to step outside of my comfort zone, would have never known. I listened, refilled, and refueled. As I began to share, the darkness left the space between me and my stranger. The Lord was in our midst.

And Jesus said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you become fishers of men.”

Mark 1:17

" All In and In All "

Gamophobia is the term used to define someone with a fear of marriage or commitment, yet the Lord warns very directly in Revelations 3:16 that He will spew us out of His mouth for being lukewarm. Why is it that we fear a covenant of love to begin with? Christ promises in the very same passage that one who hears Him and opens the door, He will both enter, feed, and grant the privilege of sitting with Him on His throne.

Whether or not to invest our lives in Him shouldn’t be a question, but when it comes to how much of it we offer, we have a tendency to gamble in our decision. Ecclesiastes 11: 1-6 speaks of both risk and promise. This passage is clear!

“Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days. Give a portion to seven, or even to eight, for you know not what disaster may happen on earth. If the clouds are full of rain, they empty themselves on the earth, and if a tree falls to the south or to the north, in the place where the tree falls, there it will lie. He who observes the wind will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap. As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything. In the morning sow your seed, and at evening withhold not your hand, for you do not know which will prosper, this or that, or whether both alike are good." 

Just because life's outcome is uncertain doesn't mean we get to avoid serious decision making or worse yet, do nothing. In fact, waiting for perfect conditions breeds idleness and in idleness, we go nowhere. If faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen, then Hebrews 11:6 says a mouthful. 

"And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe..."

Lord,

Count me All In and In All I do, let it glorify your name. Your light is truly sweet.

Amen

Steel Bunks and Prison Trunks

When the temperature on a thermometer reads 118 degrees, there is no need for declarations. Everyone is miserable and the chance of escaping the heat, impossible. You are stuck, rolling up your shirt sleeves and hoping the fan that is used for circulation will somehow manage to face your direction for a few extra minutes before being turned for its next two hour rotation.  

I’m not sure if this is what the Lord had in mind in Proverbs 25:4, but the refining process for me was a literal heat that never ceased until he graced us with the changing of the season. When I found myself putting my foot on my plastic trunk so that I could rest my calf muscle against the cool steel of my prison bunk, I knew I signed up for the wrong camp.

With the exception of a few moments in an air conditioned library that you must wait your turn before entering, relief comes only with careful concentration on eradicating every source of burden within your control. The flies can’t be helped.

Turning to scripture to learn what I must do in order to gain a sense of peace was my only option. It was either find hope, or starve in the consequences of my actions. Romans 5:3-5 declares:

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance character, and character produces hope, and that hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Dear God,

Thank you for your mercy. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for removing my dross, and thank you for steel bunks and prison trunks.

Faithfully yours,

Jenny